This couldn't be happening,
They couldn't make me.
They didn't understand.
I was never the performing type.
Well, perhaps a bit when I was younger, but I didn't know anything back then.
Nowadays, I prefer sitting in the shadows, watching other people shine.
Looking from the shadows is fine with me.
It may hurt to be alone, with nobody to lean on, because the panic attacks that come more frequently now, that wreck my mind and create delusions that send me silently screaming for help and clawing at my head are forced shut in my head, because there's nobody whom I can trust enough to talk to.
Yes, it does hurt.
But having to preform, to even simply be in a person's presence scares me even more.
Because I always get a feeling that I must meet their needs.
I must please them, in some way or another.
But I don't know how.
And as you can imagine, it's very nerve-wracking.
To have a problem and not know how to fix it.
Performing in front of a whole crowd -alone- scares me.
I'm afraid I'll mess up.
It's not a very irrational fear, either, because I have messed up, many times.
Either that or I just suck at whatever it is I was trying to do- whether it's playing an advanced piece in the violin from memory or simply going from door to door, trying to persuade somebody to give money to a charitable cause.
Okay, I really suck at the second.
Mainly because I suck at talking to people who I really don't know well.
Right now, they were trying to get me to go on stage.
When I never wanted to go.
Never signed up for it, either.
They were trying very hard to get me to go onto stage.
I think that they just broke me first.
Because if running from the room, dashing outside in the pouring rain and screaming while running against a wall isn't broken to you, then I don't know what is.